Cast Away

Eyes search the ground
skull swollen with grief
words separate this fall
like the barrier reef.

The rain keeps coming
the waves on insist
each tear, each river,
flows south, to the wrist.
For each winter?
For each rotten year?
For how many to come?
A blink on the line?
A beep on the scale?
Thrown back after the catch.
Cast again and dismiss.














- Oct. 25 2013 -

February Catchup

Good Afternoon, Monday!
I'd like to take a minute or two and discuss briefly my past couple years on ' thewaywelaugh.'
I have loved having my own personal internet space. Knowing people are visiting & reading my aimless thoughts, is the little tiny bit of secular fulfillment that my ego needs every here & there. And this isn't a "It's been nice to know you, so goodbye" post. Definitely staying.

(*applause*?)

Just wanted to say "Hi, thank you SO gratefully, and please keep comfy."

I think now I've "remodeled" my website 3 times over the last couple years, just to keep things fresh. I did so again last Tuesday & I would like to hear your thoughts, if you noticed ;] ...

I've made some specific dedications on here in the past & this heartfelt post will be no different. Laughing is a cure to me. And to be honest, I haven't had as many good, hearty laughing sessions as I have needed in the last 6 months. I've had a relatively rough time adjusting to big-kid life, accepting some changes I've had to make, & leaning on certain people that I never expected to open up to. Into my life again, walked a woman that has both walked in & out of my life numerous times. Our friendship has transcended rationale. We've fought hard, we've cried together, we agree often & we have often agreed-to-disagree. For one, or a billion reasons, our friendship has reunited & glued us together for eternities that we'll never understand. But since the airing of the Disney Classic The Fox & The Hound, our mutual agreement upon the following lines couldn't be easier:

- "We'll always be friends forever, won't we?"

- "Yeah, forever."

That seals the deal. So Kelly, thank you for everything. Your sly humor, your teasing, your generosity, advice, hard-knock-love and your hugs when I've needed a lift so badly. They've meant more than all our growing mistakes. I will always support you in whatever you allow me to, & be there, for whatever new circumstance approaches your life. I can't wait for lots of years and more life shared with you, my ultimate best friend.

There have been numerous others as well, who have been there to share an insightful viewpoint, shake a finger at my mouth, and/or just hear me out when asked: "So how ARE you?"  And those particular ones who have been "granted" "the golden nugget of my friendship"... I thank you also. Heavily.

Katie(You just are the best kind of friend material. I love how easily you make me laugh. Don't stop.)
Mariah R.(You quickly shake me down into a condensed, more ideal version of myself)
Abby(You support me through anything, & tell me how it is, too)
Marino(You aren't afraid to yell at me when I need it, & keep me realistic. Huge respect, friend.)
Adam(You manage to still love me, even though I'm not the ideal family member)
Courtney(You GET me. And you always will. Couldn't deny that if I tried)
Patrick(Best brother ever, you keep me distracted exactly when I need it),

...these have all been little rocks along my way of instability. And a few others that I can't mention. You know who YOU are. And you're still here reading, which continues to prove your support & concern.

Everyone? Sincerely, I love you.


love, bex

#193... Can ya dig it?!

Attention Kittens! Kittens Everywhere!

I am so close to posting my 200th blab of nonsense(read:perfection), you can almost smell the cupcakes of celebration about to burn!! Can't you?! HA just kidding, I would NEVER burn a cupcake. Cruelty upon all levels.

As I was browsing my Google Reader(which was quite dusty) that I haven't been very loyal to, I curious'ed myself into clicking a picture one of my favorite bloggers had posted of a living room with globes as decor... Oh, what's that? You'd like to see?

[Here you go, sweet child]

How FUN, RIGHT? I'll be sad if you hate them. 

I'm NOT a huge fan of the couch or pillows(or the rug =/), just the tastefully organized shelves of color-coordinated-delight and the GLORY GLOBES of  all variety... 

The wall paint is nice too. Anyway...

My POINT IS as follows: Today I realized something very important.

A few weeks ago, I was in a vintage store and a Bother(name is irrelevant) 

questioned my love for globes, in a devaluing-way to my opinion, 

and at the moment I didn't have a specific response of WHY. 

Well of course, I am not one to change my mind for the 

cause of "Peer Pressure" (bah! what a filthy phrase), so I continued to love globes.

Upon seeing this picture, it sparked my memory of this conversation 

and I re-visited what I should-have-could-have said.

Happily, in my brainthoughts, I replied: 

"It's my home! I like to hold it and look at it

and I LIKE TO KNOW WHERE I AM."

All of a sudden, my brain was giddy and it made perfect sense. 

I like to know where I am, 

that's why I get discontent when I can sense that I'm not wanted 

and unhappy and mentally exhausted when I am not "home" with the situation. 

You know that warm, home-feeling, when things are easy and make-sense?

No matter where you are. Even if you're away from your element, 

having someone or someTHING that makes sense 

on-your-mind is comfort enough for the little-while-that-you're-away.

Globes aren't necessarily "home," in such a deep meaning, but they sure are cute. 

I think old ones are neat to decorate with, 

plus they're slightly educational and interesting as they've changed over the years, 

and come in all sorts of fun colors! 

Here's some wins; pass them out, there's enough to go around.

 I just embraced a little more of myself today :] 

So kiss off, schmucks who question my globe-love! 

 *Flexes arms and growl face*

grrr! >:D 

(you have to imagine-in the scrunch over my nose!)

Sorry it's been so long, I've been busy managing life, 

but I'm not abandoning all my kittenfaces. Miss you!

Please take care :) 

xox, Bex.

While you cursed in torment, knee's up to your chest
you asked just for a breath & then pleaded for rest..
what else could I do, besides hold up your head
in patience just cradle, & feel the hope spread.

Your heart tried to give up on you so I said 'take a deep breath,
take another one - hold it - let go, now my friend.'

And your inhale was as strong as the day you were born,
you still hurt but you made it, a bit feathered and torn.
Still, thru day 1, and a full twenty four hours
you carried your vice, & still clutching your power...

The grey hours to follow, you may not remember
but to me, your life in that moment, I held most tender...
your memories, your love, the best things that make you
are invaluable, cherished to not just a few...

________________________________________________

everybody's got problems

I wanna fix your problems
when I've got some too,
Let's work on yours right now
so mine seem far and few...

I keep turning up the volume
Let's hear that music on full blast;
As loud as my ears can stand,
okay, now what were you gonna ask?

Is that selfish? I don't want you to hurt, ever.
Is it still right if I have 2 good reasons?
Or do they really make a wrong?
Does this mean your bond wasn't strong?

Anyway it's hard missing you
"and in that moment I realized you were perfect"
is harder to swallow,
when it's not a dream, talking about you.

Welcome!

Well HI :] Hey, there's a newcomer in the crowd- everyone say "HI!"

Okay, back to business....You know, as well as I do.. that summer is a busy, busy time. I am not about to spend all my waking S.P.A.R.E.(queue "quote" fingers) time staring at the computer(my job requires this also)... altho I wish I had the attention span for it! :)

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttt?? You say...?

WHY YES, I DO have a life :] (teehee silly you)


I know, hard to fathom.
But, you deserve some treats. You have waited oh-so-delightfully-patient, like a good dove, and your reward will not be in vain! I have some stocked up pictures that I'm saving for a few story-time-days... You know, when it's gray outside... and you have nothing else to do.... fall back on my picture-stories :)

You guys know that internet meme regarding the "Dos Equis Beer Guy"....?
I did one :}

"I don't always drink tea, but when I do... I wear a cape."

I TOLD you you'd be rewarded ;) Feel free to mock. You know it's great.

Happy Tuesday. 

<3 bex...

_____________________________

old habits - shall die young

Just like last time,
you're all that's on my mind.
Even when you're not.

At thoughts of your long-lost charm
I can't strengthen my weak breath...

or stop the curl at the edge of my mouth...
it's like,
holding onto hating you is
all I feel I have left.

So next time I cross your mind
will your heart skip a single, unnoticed beat?
Will you accidentally forget a name, in the middle of your speech?
Or will you push me even further aside...
Until you spring clean and throw me away?

Here I find myself again,
writing these words that don't matter - to you.
writing on lines that don't care - about you.
writing about someone who doesn't care - about me.

I think it's time I was done with you.
___________________________________

shhhhhhhh!

Don't tell that I skipped. Skipped what? Huh?

Who?
LAST SATURDAY I WENT & RAN THRU THE MUD. Oh yes I did!

I totally have been holding out on you. If you haven't been enlightened as to JUST how cute 13 year olds can be...wait... I mean THESE mindless kids... You've been missing out. PLEASE WATCH :)

"..a hundred forty characters is moooore than enough!"  

... Oh, hai! You're here. What was I saying?

Wednesday I went on a bike ride!

Here's mah boys...

Today... I went with a Client to pick out their house materials...

Holy moley...4 hours later...

I was officially bored.

And then...

I SNAPPED!

And then they fed me :)

Yay!

THIS IS A PIECE OF TILE.

Isn't it purdy? It looks like metal!

The End. 

My SURPRISE event is this weekend, and I'll tell you about it next week- cause if I did now.... welllllllllll that would be a DUMB move. I'm a woman *points to brain*...

Have a great weekend, you silly shenanigans :]

<3, bex...

Things I've been up to...

What have you been up to?

Spelunking? Designing secure entries in underground tunnels for the President? Shredding documents that bear social security numbers? Restocking books at your Barnes & Noble job? Me neither. BUT HOLY SMOKES have I been on busy-overload. Lemme Es'plain....

 

I am training hard for some dirty, filthy, fun thing that's gonna happen in June. Therefore I am at the gym 5 days a week(phew). That in itself, takes up 2 hours of my day because of travel, changing, and showering time. Then I have class 4-5 days a week as well; this is from 10-11:30ish. I work part time from 1-5pm Mon-Fri, too. Plus I have a particular 2 hour(usually) bracket dedicated to Wednesday nights. Also Tuesday & Thursday night engagements that require preparation and study.

Where is my bracket for laundry?

Where do I fit in maintaining my health? My makeup? Cleaning my bathroom?

DON'T get me wrong here... I am in no way complaining! :)
I absolutely love my busy schedule.

I love the fact that it keeps my mind engaged and always revolving, anticipating the next event; stimulating creative parts of my brain that I haven't used in a while. That is sincerely priceless to me. It's the small things, right? 

And so now I've added another task for myself. I am planning ... Ah-HEM... an Event. It's not a blog event, it's just something I need to do(that might be mildly HUGE), and something I've been meaning to do for a year now. You'll see pictures in about 2 months when it's over, but SHHH I can't tell you what it is. You understand, right? I'll show you pictures of other things, now though :) Ready? Me too!!

 

I went here between work & school the other week, to catch up on reading & some vitamin D. I've realized that whenever POSSIBLE that I have 10-30 minutes of free time, and it's somewhat sunny outside- I HAVE to take advantage, and sit outside for mental recovery from running around in whirlwinds. What a blessing :] Relaxation is such a gift.

 Being crazy is also a gift :)

Recently.... I revived my love for all things orange(not counting soda, of course). Remember that Nickelodeon(oh hey, the Nick logo is orange, too right??) show back in the late 90's called "Kenan & Kel?" Remember how Kenan would entice Kel into doing some-mischievous-thing for him, by bribing him with orange soda?

Kenan: "WHO. LOVES. ORANGE. SODA?
KELLLLLLL Loves orange soda."

Kel: "I do, I do, I DO-OOOOOH!"

Guess who else had a serious orange soda addiction in her younger years? This dude. Check it out. I've been eating oranges like they're goin' outta style. And it doesn't fulfill my craving for them, either. Weird, huh?

You succulent little darling.

*le sigh*

ANYWHO. That's what I've been up to. Enjoying life :)

Now tell me about your recent enjoyments/disappointments & we'll figure out how to either make them better, or how to get you to visit me so we can have an adventure for me to share with all our friends :)

xoxo, bex

bloom.

I saw a moving picture
a little red head girl was entranced by the sight of an unfolding orange flower.
That is how I feel, most days.


discovering things I thought I knew,
discovering me, in different ways.


I am picky, I am inconsistent.
I want everything, while I want nothing but honesty.


I betrayed you. I was keeping my options open,
when I told you it was wrong...
and now I, twice burned myself
and reach back for a third- 
and the flame is gone.
Why?
I am the one who turned it off.
Why am I sad?


So I write.
And I will keep doing this until
I have figured it out. Which,
won't happen... I've already smoldered the struggling spark.


-------------------------------------------------------------------

New Paper

I enjoy typing. But more than typing, I enjoy w-r-i-t-i-n-g.
....Do any of you remember what that looks like?

I got a new notebook yesterday, for school... but I of course, had to christen the first page with a little doodle.

What'd you do, on your scary Monday?

Monday's don't seem so bad to me now that I have school again... I know that sounds backwards, but it's only because Monday class is simply an hour of taking notes on a Power Point presentation that my "teacher" talks over. Basically, he could email them to us, and I could sleep in more... :P Just a suggestion.

Anyway, back to my normal font size...This last week was a long one, for me. Lots of helping friends(not bad, just emotionally-demanding...) with issues, lots of waiting and waiting and WAITING for the right thing to come along :] Lots of travel; which automatically makes me ready for bed x) The actual traveling part is exciting, but when I'm done, I realize my body needs a rest(don't gotta tell ME twice).

This weekend, I am off to Seattle to finish my big 50 hours of volunteer-work for the month, and to meet lots of new people! I can't wait! It will be rewarding and fulfilling and I can't wait to have some sushi with no seafood in it. I know, I'm weird ;)

Be safe, loves. Travel responsibly, and be honest with your best friend when he/she asks: "Grrrrl, you think mah butt gettin' BIG??"

<3, bex.

ps. I got acupuncture today and it wasn't half bad. See? I'm still alive :)

I said, Good day to YOU!!!

Tuesday + Friday = Thursday. HA!

Oh wow, sorry everyone. APPARENTLY my brain is behind on what day it is. And I totally blanked that Tuesday even happened. But I am not going to let you down(totally). I've got quite a few pictures to share with you. And yes, this will be fun. I'm gonna tell you about my week :) And this doubles as Friday's post too(don't whine- no one likes a whiner) just FYI. NO, that is NOT called cheating. Ok, so maybe it is. Onward! :)

First things first, and that means food.

Last Saturday I made muffins. And I made quite a few. And I made them from a box (no laughing, Hoolia!). I definitely don't find plain muffin mix exciting, so I added my own extras as usual. These WERE destined to be just (blah)Oat Bran muffins. UNTIL I added molasses and cinnamon and chocolate chips.
Oh, yes I did.

NEXT UP!

Basic blueberry(oops, no fun inside extras), with a toasty marshmallow on top. 

I kinda folded the fruit in the mixture a little too delicately...so you can't really see the blueberry color....at all. Anywho, they were scrumptious. I'm so sad you missed out ;}

Then hell froze over. And I wore my hair curly. Really, tho. It's not too curly, it's more of a pathetic wave. You know when Napoleon Dynamite waves at his date at the prom, and she ignores him? That's the kind of pity-feeling I give myself, when I try to scrunch my hair with curling mousse, and it just falls like this. Not too terrible, I guess... if you like that whole "rejected" feeling. :P

And lastly...

I drove down to a little inlet area in my community to watch the sunset, because the day was clear and my brain was not. So I wanted to share that moment with my blog-babies. That's you. Sorry, you're probably not a baby. I'm just slightly callous-slash-crabby about the 2 sorta-sunny days we had, now that it's POURING rain again.

*le sigh*

Who's not surprised? [raises hand.]

pee, es: This weekend I'm going out of town and I'm going to have FUN DARNIT! :]

pee, es, es: Speaking of clearing my mind at the waterfront... I have a sweet treat for you next Tuesday!

xoxo, bex

Please use your brains this weekend, kids. No unchaperoned dangerous activities, and if you're gonna get into trouble, don't forget to call me! *holla!*

Tuesday Cheer Up

Guess what!
You are beautiful.

True story, see? :)
Enjoy your Tuesday, kittenfaces.

xoxo, Bex...

First Day of School. Again.

I know you all want to hear about this... ;P

Monday, was my first day back to "School," aka "College." I had a constant adrenaline rush all morning 'cause I was so nervous, but it was sort of a good, swimming blur(so good, that I fell into a 2 hour coma when I got home around 5pm.). I met my quarter "quota" of ONE new friend per class(2 of them!) by Thursday. Let me elaborate...

    -Met James, in my very first class for Systems Concepts(M/W/F), on the very first day. Tuesday, I had my Dreamweaver class(Tues/Thrs) and nervously flashed a grin at the girl who came and sat down next to me. So Wednesday back to my 1st class....but then James wasn't there ...And just WHO was I supposed to sit by?! Haha I kid. I made it through like an adult, taking notes in all my glory, while the teacher gave his lecture. And the lady sitting in front of me tactfully turned around to make sure I was paying attention halfway thru the class(Pfff).

Thursday, upon entering my Dreamweaver class again- there was 'nice girl' walking in too. So I threw my brave-face to her and asked "Are you gonna sit by me? I'm Bex[err..whatever my real name is]." She accepted my invitation. I am very pleased with my lack of conversation skills. HA!
    -Oh! and her name is Courtney. Just to prove that she really exists.

Stresses? My books for both classes JUST came in today -_- So I'll be doing homework, write-ups, analysis([pluralized?? analyses?) over my WEEKEND, instead of playing, like all normal college-kids are supposed to ;)


Overall Analysis?(I'm over-using this word to prepare myself for 'Computer Concepts' assignments- ALL of them are titled "Unit analysis such-and-such.") ...I think I'll survive this after all :)

Prediction:I'll be cooped up in my 'weekend pants' every evening from 5-10 if you need me. Enjoy yourselves! Tell me about your adventures :) So I can vicariously live thru yours!!

xoxo, bex

'Tis time to pay Caesar. Oh wait, he's paying me!

Good Friday to you!

Have you all been good boys & girls, and filed your taxes already? I just did.

Lincoln is excited, but he's hiding his emotion here. He's not 'big' on being expressive.

Man! That is a crappy picture! Praxis! iPhone quality is only good on certain occasions.

*sigh*

You guys? I start school MONDAY. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I mean ... yay? *shakes in the corner* I'm nervous. Not only am I going to school.... but(emphatic pause).. I'm going to school. Does that make sense? OkayOkay lemme e'splain. I'm nervous. I hate school. I'm going back voluntarily. Ayy.

Geez, that wasn't so hard was it?

Well, my week was fairly uneventful, I've been preparing for the 28th(1st day of school) for about 2 weeks now. First it was "exciting, cause I get to sleep in for a week before!", then it was... "this is happening!" and now it's just... "[dread] UGH I'm gonna have homework and projects to do."
 Ew, school, how dare you lure me!
:) Just kidding, I'm ready to start something new and to have a little "college" notch in my belt of various things I happen to be interested/dabbling in.

Ok now to enjoy my last weekend before I mentally throw myself back to 11th grade(including the black emo bangs)...I'm going out of town. 

Nanner. Nanner.

:]

xox, bex.

Dove Says...

ahh, missed it!

still learning :)

MMkay, looks like I'll keep on, keepin' on.

love xox, bex :)

Keep your eyes to the sky, babydoll.

Do you ever feel like you've forgotten yourself?
Do you occasionally forget things that matter to you? You forget your way, your routines, and your favorite FOOD?? Okay, maybe not that last one.

'Cause maybe you've been so focused on one thing- even unknowingly- that everything else just blurred into the background. Now you gotta clean all that crap off the walls. I feel like I forgot my motivation. 

I have things to do. It's not keeping busy that will be a problem, it's just a cloud hanging over me for a while. I just will have a hard time enjoying myself, even when I smile.

I know what I'm capable of, and I'm not fulfilling that right now.

I love my friends so much, even tho at times I take for granted at the moment, the dedication they show in return. I'm not giving up being the person that I am, I deserve a lot, just like you do. I'm just waiting for it to grow back to me, now.

right now:

these colors are nice. my smile is not happy.

churlish(1), reserved/demure(2), cynical(3)

AKA... no one's having fun.

I need to be here:

where I was promising.

goofy(1), content(2), smitten(3)

AKA Myself...

Have yourselves a fantastic little weekend, troops. Keep truckin' thru the hard stuff, and keep coming back :) things will begin to glow again. 

"keep your eyes to the sky, babydoll"

-probably the best piece of advice I've heard in a while-

xox bex...<3

Dove says...

Duh!

This is what I've been sayin' all along :)

xox bex.

Power Points

At the root of virtually all spiritual practice is the notion of forgiveness. Think about every single person who has ever harmed you, cheated you, defrauded you, or said unkind things about you. Your experience of them is nothing more than a thought that you carry around with you. These thoughts of resentment, anger & hatred represent slow, debilitating energies that will dis-empower you. If you could release them, you would know more peace.
-Wayne Dyer

The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher.
-Thomas Henry Huxley

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.
-Author Unknown

Have compassion for everyone you meet, even when they
don't want it. What seems conceit, bad manners, or
cynicism is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen. 
You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone.
-Miller William


Have a good week lovelies... :) Here is another great thing I read last week. Enjoy, and keep that smile bright.
~28 Dignified Ways to Impress Everyone Around You~
xoxo, bex.

A Certain Brand of Sad

I highly enjoyed this article. Sarah Wilson is a very inspiring writer, who... a LOT of my bloggy-web-friends read. Not that they realize even, they are my "friends"... Take that how you will. lol..

>>Brand of Sad<<

She addresses the point that 'sad' really is different than 'depressed.' Sometimes you've been in one category for so long, tho that you begin to wonder if it's not normal. I know I have, and I've shared that with many of you. Thank you readers, for coming back :) You're one of a kind to put up with my crazy ranting, and my calm-spirited articles, alike... haha.

<3 May sweet things happen to you today :)