Alone

you don't see me
you see an assumption
of what I am

you see red, when I am green
because you are red

I feel alone

finally I was found by someone
who felt alone too,
and so we were alone together

his alone felt emptier than my alone

I tried to fill it
like his filled mine

I wasn't the space he wanted
now I'm alone again
except the space is greater
than the first time

Feb 2016

Cast Away

Eyes search the ground
skull swollen with grief
words separate this fall
like the barrier reef.

The rain keeps coming
the waves on insist
each tear, each river,
flows south, to the wrist.
For each winter?
For each rotten year?
For how many to come?
A blink on the line?
A beep on the scale?
Thrown back after the catch.
Cast again and dismiss.














- Oct. 25 2013 -

The ocean

Love, Chapter one, feels like watching the surf.

At a distance, blue as ever, and reliably patterned.

It churns, yet you want a part.

Chapter two is the first wave that almost kisses your feet.

The escaped feeling of missing the water's touch: both relief and disrupt.

You wish it to return & it does.

Love rushes back.

Chapter three is cold & not unlike warmth, feels natural. 

Tender and strong waves of liquid glass fall upon your feet, endearing you in. 

"Please, give me more than a dip. Give me more than a kiss on the cheek. Give me more than your longing gaze."

Sometimes it crashes upon itself, shortening it's own reach... Does that hinder you?

Does it make you scoff? Does that mean it won't last? 

Chapter four begins with the numbness in your feet, adjustment to the new mode.

And you walk in. And it rushes you.

Can you stand? Do you stand against it? 

Do you accept the wash-over, and swim to give it reason to lift you up?

Do you move onto chapter five?

Do you cherish the salt of love?

When you take a step back so it never envelopes you, have you loved the ocean, or agreed to let it try to love you for a time?

Does your heart move you to taste it? Wash your hair in it?

Heal your hot, tired soles?

So it's strength shows it's weakness... The foam that lifts and caresses the surface. The way it expels it's exhaustion. The work it expends to reach for you.

And you've stepped back?

Has the sound drowned you?

Let it be all you hear.

Birds, worries, money, labor, sadness, will be dealt, 

and heard 

but you still need your ocean to come home to.

I want to share Seattle with the world

I've had this idea for a very long time....
And the longer I wait, the more watered down my idea will become & is becoming
.
So I'm going to have to enlist your help, people of Seattle & tourists alike... get on the streets and look Fabulous!

...And hope I catch you!


Because...
I'll make it worth your while. And in the meantime, you'll be making Seattle look classier ;) Promise.









xo, bex.

I just can't kick it

Hyperventilate
a little, a gasp in your honor
to imagine much longer.
inciting for tears and
more love to join
when the thought grows
of it being years.

I never needed a wall
when in your company,
more so when
You felt so small
and no one else saw it
but me.

Tendy? Not-so-trendy? Indecisive.

Ok, so let me first start, by MAKING IT CLEAR to you, my feelings on something:  people who are indecisive in life DRIVE-ME-NUTS.

That aside, I would like to introduce you to some current trends that I (am troubled by and/or indecisive about ;)) was informed of recently via my email subscription to Scoutmob(LOVE)...

Here's something that's happening in my good ol' hometown of Seattle:

click the pic for more for more of their products!

THAT. Is exactly what it looks like.
A stud earring made of concrete.
By: Maple and Mauve
Is it strange that I think those might be a
little front-heavy annd/or just... HEAVY on your earlobes?
Would YOU wear them?

I like that the idea is fresh & probably recycled
(reduce-reuse-recycle-yipee!), but I just can't see
myself in them.
Hey, I wouldn't knock-it-til-I've-tried-it!

Something I love:

Click the pic for more of their unique designs! 

BlissfulCASE is located in Brooklyn, New York.
Unique. Funky & creative designs.
Interchangable for those of us who like a new
visual in the palm of our hands.

And last but not least... something I will NEVER like/love/wear:

Bugs. No.

There is a reason they call them "bugs."
No, thank you, fashion designers. I'd rather not.
These different designers named/displayed can all be found
by a simple Google search, but particularly,
I was reading this article over at Fashionista.com (<3 font="">),
called: "Trendspotting: Creepy Crawlies."
That says enough, for me. Nope.
*confusion*

Here is one, that I *am* genuinely torn over:

Hint: It's above their eyes.

As the majority of you may know, I am now an Esthetician.
One of my greatest passions in this industry is making
women beautiful, by using their OWN features to
complement their unique tones, textures, shapes, sizes, etc...
For most people, heavy eyebrows don't work.
For most people in fact, their naturally-growing eyebrow
shape needs to be trimmed, and tamed, and sometimes waxed
down a size or two to achieve the "natural & clean" look.

These above, have been somewhat groomed, but mostly...
too much hair on that face. For my comfort.
But that's just MY lowly opinion.



Who cares what I think? ;)

love, bex

February Catchup

Good Afternoon, Monday!
I'd like to take a minute or two and discuss briefly my past couple years on ' thewaywelaugh.'
I have loved having my own personal internet space. Knowing people are visiting & reading my aimless thoughts, is the little tiny bit of secular fulfillment that my ego needs every here & there. And this isn't a "It's been nice to know you, so goodbye" post. Definitely staying.

(*applause*?)

Just wanted to say "Hi, thank you SO gratefully, and please keep comfy."

I think now I've "remodeled" my website 3 times over the last couple years, just to keep things fresh. I did so again last Tuesday & I would like to hear your thoughts, if you noticed ;] ...

I've made some specific dedications on here in the past & this heartfelt post will be no different. Laughing is a cure to me. And to be honest, I haven't had as many good, hearty laughing sessions as I have needed in the last 6 months. I've had a relatively rough time adjusting to big-kid life, accepting some changes I've had to make, & leaning on certain people that I never expected to open up to. Into my life again, walked a woman that has both walked in & out of my life numerous times. Our friendship has transcended rationale. We've fought hard, we've cried together, we agree often & we have often agreed-to-disagree. For one, or a billion reasons, our friendship has reunited & glued us together for eternities that we'll never understand. But since the airing of the Disney Classic The Fox & The Hound, our mutual agreement upon the following lines couldn't be easier:

- "We'll always be friends forever, won't we?"

- "Yeah, forever."

That seals the deal. So Kelly, thank you for everything. Your sly humor, your teasing, your generosity, advice, hard-knock-love and your hugs when I've needed a lift so badly. They've meant more than all our growing mistakes. I will always support you in whatever you allow me to, & be there, for whatever new circumstance approaches your life. I can't wait for lots of years and more life shared with you, my ultimate best friend.

There have been numerous others as well, who have been there to share an insightful viewpoint, shake a finger at my mouth, and/or just hear me out when asked: "So how ARE you?"  And those particular ones who have been "granted" "the golden nugget of my friendship"... I thank you also. Heavily.

Katie(You just are the best kind of friend material. I love how easily you make me laugh. Don't stop.)
Mariah R.(You quickly shake me down into a condensed, more ideal version of myself)
Abby(You support me through anything, & tell me how it is, too)
Marino(You aren't afraid to yell at me when I need it, & keep me realistic. Huge respect, friend.)
Adam(You manage to still love me, even though I'm not the ideal family member)
Courtney(You GET me. And you always will. Couldn't deny that if I tried)
Patrick(Best brother ever, you keep me distracted exactly when I need it),

...these have all been little rocks along my way of instability. And a few others that I can't mention. You know who YOU are. And you're still here reading, which continues to prove your support & concern.

Everyone? Sincerely, I love you.


love, bex

Ohio in snapshots

Now that I have returned & the dust has settled... here are my tiny adventures.

 I am officially back from Ohio, and I officially won't go
back for YEARS. I hope my family & the friends
I actually have left there, come visit me in Seattle now.
No offense, I'm just all Ohio'ed out.

My first childhood friend Rachel & I, bottom left.

We went to a big-kid's version of chuck-e-cheese's called "Scene 75" and played hard. We survived Glow-in-the-dark Mini Golf, climbed ourselves through the Laser-Frenzy, dislocated a shoulder in the Bouncy House, & danced the rest of the night away with excellent DJ'd jams til we were so thirsty,  the snow on the ground looked appealing. But not before the incredible 12 Foot Mosaic-tiled Michael Jackson caught my eye.

 My grandparents have such quirks. Grandma's silly sayings crack her up so hard, she's still laughing 6 minutes later. Grandpa often takes naps with shoes on, sticking out of his blankets & off the edge of the bed. And my mom's hair does it's own thing when it senses she's not using a mirror.

And last. These are where the feelings run deep. These kids sincerely weaved themselves into my brain synapses.
I miss them like crazy.
{Clockwise from top left}
Sweet baby Aurora, just new & curious with her Disney-eyes; she stole me away. Gavin's quiet sneakiness, and sincere obedience to his parent's voice melted my pre-parent core. No one besides this kid, can make his brother Maverick laugh so hilariously.My darling Payton... who knew a 4 year old could be so witty? She's sharper than I ever hope to be & yet loving all at once. Baby Jaxon's good manner & shocking blue eyes had me captivated the whole time. I miss all my little loves.

full.

the words that I've loved
this entire lifetime
sadly, seem foreign now,
void of feeling, to see.

for my actions, and intent
have all been fulfilled,
gifts, mercy, time & energy
I could never rebuild.
Or forget.

you've got all my organs,
every vein,
every last salty tear,
I am hollow,
no breath do I know,
having shown you any fear.

My love, your pain is nothing compared
to the loss I will endure for you...
the treacherous jungle I've trailed behind,
I find, I revisit alone.

Your distance never trips me,
your hold is the safest,
your gaze allows me to
prove all of my patience.

What can you do, now?
and what will you show me?
Every minute I wait for your motion
tiring my heart, exhaling its plea..

How much I have loved, I do not measure
I cannot, will not, expect a certain weight;
in return for the exactness of my heart's, feeling
complete, swelled and full, to match the given rate.

Anti-DryWater

I think I'm dying. I haven't had espresso in a week. My stomach is cursing and turning and I am all dried up inside even though Im drinking water. Maybe that's the problem though: this Ohio water feels dry even.

Folks, last week my grandma died. I haven't posted this anywhere but here - and just now. My twitter & Facebook account are not places I wish to discuss that. I'm not one of those FB people that whines about every motion their life feels. I don't want pity condolences & I don't want people that I haven't seen forever to write me a virtual note of apology. What is that? I just want a hug, or someone to drop by & have a conversation with me. What happened to sincerity?

My grandma just wanted me to have conversations with her. She'd even run her fingers through my hair to relax me, if I sat with her long enough. Her rest won't be long; when she wakes up she'll be fresh & young & beautiful all over again. And happy. Isn't that something? She made me happy :)

Love your grandparents, learn from them while you have them. Understand that if they are cranky, they probably have a good reason & may be in actual pain. They have seen a great deal. Be patient, listen to what they may be trying to say, if they are not able to say it.

Enjoy your week, kittens.

Xoxo,
Bex.

Curls Gone With The Wind.

Tempest
Stiff and shrill
Slicing, frozen, chill
Glacial wind
Curling my hair
With your careless
Direction
With your uncaring,
Heavy mist.
Stop
Tangling
My hair.

1 Year

I watched a year swing by
without actually watching the time.
I saw almost nothing in the present.
Not my graduating joy.
Or your roses.
Or the ocean's strength.

Blind eyes that leak.
Ears that hear a moment's selection.
Hands that hold... And hold on.
A mind that locks memory at
-a landscape
-a realization
-a sound
-a feeling
-words written & read &
spoken with power,
but have seen no action.

A heart as open & warm as a box of kittens...
In the pouring sleet.
Bring the rain on,
I've been waiting for a reason to scream.

Questions.

Is it true love to wish better
for the person you love?
Or is love, feeling torture
at the thought of that one
with someone else?

Is it true fire to feel anger
from heavy, lonely eyes?
Or is fire what we use
to ignite our past?

Is true loyalty a dedication
to a thought or person?
Or is loyalty a trap
we set ourselves in,
when our pain of loss
cannot bear another turn?

Done.

Vague.
Poured out.
Shaking
Echoing breaths over sheets
This is true
This is pain
Where's my ocean,
To save me?

A Need for Four Seasons

When the winter life rolls in, takes over,
Freezes my will to oppose it...
Your strong hands, intently holding mine
And your whisper to turn my back against the icy wind,
to look across at the warm return...
that's when I need you most.

And spring comes along,
with much rain and grey-sky,
with it's draining trenches...
But somewhere in the distance
you've pointed at some silver clouds,
you draw my hand to trace it- and
when I find it easier to laugh,
I look up to understand immediately
that this is when I need you the most.

But summer's heat does not mix
with my hair, altho the sun begs it to
be friends with long-distances kisses.
So I am bothered, sick, and
trying my hardest to
love, love, love air conditioning.
You insist that I keep dancing,
you fan me with gentle stories
to ease my many weary days.
And as I breathe easy, I fall asleep re-living
your compassion & patience;
I realize today was when I needed you most.

Then fall set in, but your hands
were tired from the year, and you would not tell me.
So I brought out a tucked-away letter,
written while I had waited up for your call one summer evening.
It read of how special you make
me feel every day of every season,
and how each one before us had been terribly incomplete.

"When you don't know what you don't have- what you don't know you ARE missing- the world can seem a felicity place. But with you, my world is brand new and I won't explore it alone."

You remembered that night,
Now your laugh lines pulled tight-
and I kissed your forehead like you
had kissed mine.
And I knew I had never needed you more.
----

xoxo, bex.

Generic Post Title

I.
Have.
So.
Many.
New
Pictures.
For.
You.
But.
First.
They.
Require.
Uploading.
And.
I'm.
Still.
Super.
Busy.
So.
I.
Will.
Require.
Your.
Brief.
Patience.
And.
Attention.
Towards.
This.
Fresh.
Little.
Distraction.
First.

----- ~ ... ~ -----

"You are some kind of monster

Secretive and angry,

No one expects what you say.

No one can guess to make you happy.

You ruin most things with your teeth and dagger tongue.

I'm moving beds.
Shutting closets between us.

Goodbye."

----- ~...~ -----

Don't be alarmed. This is not aimed at my blog. See you soon, with lots of pictures!

xoxxo, bex.

**[ Remember, be the best you can be for this particular day. Every little bit helps. You are capable of more than you imagine. ]**

Surface

Misty morning silhouettes of trees
And hills and heavier clouds
And a painted highlight perfectly drawn down across the water.
The grey smooth stone
The grey sparkling fever that I can't detach my gaze from.
Adorn.
My ocean is calm today,
My ocean is worn away.
Just right
Just right.

Float me on waters perfection.
I will see it, everlastingly

4-19-12 12:42am

Worry is a weight
An anchor, when
you need an oar.
Worry is a habit
A ritual, to
make you secure.
My weight is I won't know you
Amongst the blooming trees
And when all the scent
Is withering, I'll roam lonely
My habit is to pace
When I really want to run
And halt in my tracks
When the favor has come

But I began new rituals
Upon meeting you, & when
I lost you from my sight,
Forgot what I was to do.
Ignored the 1st fact, 'knowing'
That everything was right,
I kept you for a while,
Invested poetry and time.
Prayed that your weighty
Words would promise honesty;
Found more than love in you,
Realized depth & constancy.

Where do I belong?

What am I to you, really?
a strand of emotion?
a habit when you need to make an expression?

...background music?

"Everything isn't everything, if everything isn't with you."
Don't you agree?
Where have you been?

"I'm impatient, I apologize."
I know things are tough.
I know life is changing.

Life is a constant adjustment, once said to me.
I see now, it is.
I'm stepping back, adjusting to my new view.
Letting that talk of how much value I have,
have that chance to show me.

Don't let me down.
Please, my heart will drown.



It's my mistake and it's hurting me.
I should deal with this, but I'm hiding.

Aquamarine Nerves

Cool fingertips rest on the lap.
Unsure.
Think about it, are they shaking?
They're not moving, but are they pulsing?

He's good, but does he know?
He's breathtaking, but is he breathing?

Letter three, and twenty three... about seven or forty times a day,
it crosses, multiplying above my head.
Letters, these forms of two dimensional life,
make the heart in my body
go pitter-patter.
The heart in my body is his.
He loves it, but will he take it?

Wearing down,
the tread?
the rhythm?
the days 'til love
breaks apart every nerve you have left?
Wearing down of a smile?
Wearing down of fear?
The wearing of a smile?
The smile that renders me weak?
Blush? Melt?
Yes.
The one that creates possibility.
Accept all answers
with a nod, and a questioning smile.
I won't speak, but keep asking
with ocean eyes.
Do I wear you down?
With my letters?
With my eyes?
Or can I cook you dinner?

which is it?







xo, bex.


---------------------------------